You Got Jokes?

[Sheffield_&_Waveland]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new
hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of
silk panties. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight
to
sleep after watching the baseball game. You don't tell me you love me
anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're
cheating
on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch my baseball games so much

because they drown out your constant whining and gripping. Too bad that
doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that
came to mind was "You look just like a boy!" But my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you
cooked
my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you
when you had those new silk panties on because the price tag was still
on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ... and your silk panties
were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we
could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for
ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to
Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I
guess. I hope you have the full-filling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from
me. So take care.

Signed Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

[Sheffield_&_Waveland]

Forget Rednecks .....here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about ...
Chicago

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you
live in
Chicago

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't
work there, you live in Chicago

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in
Chicago.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed
a wrong number, you live in Chicago

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of I - 80 for the weekend,
you
live in Chicago.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Chicago .

If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the sameday and back
again, you live in Chicago

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard
without flinching, you live in Chicago.

If you carry jumpers in your car and y our wife knows how to use them,
you live in Chicago

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you
live
in Chicago .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
everybody is passing you, you live in Chicago

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with
snow,
you live in Chicago .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road
construction, you live in Chicago.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in
Chicago

If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in Chicago .

[Sheffield_&_Waveland]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 WHEN...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave or
the
telephone.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers for your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5 Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and
family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the
bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't
have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years in your life, is now cause for panic
and you
turn around to go get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting
your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to
forward
this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a
#9 on
this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

[JC4CubsWin]

Poland's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seat Cessna 152 crashed into a cemetery today. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

:eek:

[Brutus T Manstrength]

These 3 guys are walking down the street, a white sox fan, a cubs fan, and a royals fan. They see these 2 feet sticking out from under this bush, and upon investigating, they see that it's a girl naked and dead. So they decide to call the police. While the police are on the way, the cubs fan feels kind of bad for her, so he covers her right breast with his hat.. The Royals fan follows suit, and covers her left breast. And so then the White Sox fan covers up her Privites.. So finally, the cops show up.. and after talking with the guys and taking their statements, and cop walks over to the body.. He picks up the cubs hat, takes some notes, and then sets it back down. Then he picks up the royals hat, takes some notes, and sets it back down.. After that, he picks up the White sox hat, looks around a little confused..he picks it back up, still looks confused, and sets it back down.. He does this a third time, and now the guys are a little angry, and they say "look buddy, you perverted or something? Is this how you get your jimmies up?" and so the cop says.. "Well.. no, but usually underneath a white sox hat, there's an *** hole."

[DLee25]

These 3 guys are walking down the street, a white sox fan, a cubs fan, and a royals fan. They see these 2 feet sticking out from under this bush, and upon investigating, they see that it's a girl naked and dead. So they decide to call the police. While the police are on the way, the cubs fan feels kind of bad for her, so he covers her right breast with his hat.. The Royals fan follows suit, and covers her left breast. And so then the White Sox fan covers up her Privites.. So finally, the cops show up.. and after talking with the guys and taking their statements, and cop walks over to the body.. He picks up the cubs hat, takes some notes, and then sets it back down. Then he picks up the royals hat, takes some notes, and sets it back down.. After that, he picks up the White sox hat, looks around a little confused..he picks it back up, still looks confused, and sets it back down.. He does this a third time, and now the guys are a little angry, and they say "look buddy, you perverted or something? Is this how you get your jimmies up?" and so the cop says.. "Well.. no, but usually underneath a white sox hat, there's an *** hole."

That is an awesome joke, i seriously laughed out loud

[VanMan]

You know, if Cowboys QB Tony Romo gets arrested in Illinois and sent to prison, wouldn't he become Romo in Joliette?

[ARamfan]

These 3 guys are walking down the street, a white sox fan, a cubs fan, and a royals fan. They see these 2 feet sticking out from under this bush, and upon investigating, they see that it's a girl naked and dead. So they decide to call the police. While the police are on the way, the cubs fan feels kind of bad for her, so he covers her right breast with his hat.. The Royals fan follows suit, and covers her left breast. And so then the White Sox fan covers up her Privites.. So finally, the cops show up.. and after talking with the guys and taking their statements, and cop walks over to the body.. He picks up the cubs hat, takes some notes, and then sets it back down. Then he picks up the royals hat, takes some notes, and sets it back down.. After that, he picks up the White sox hat, looks around a little confused..he picks it back up, still looks confused, and sets it back down.. He does this a third time, and now the guys are a little angry, and they say "look buddy, you perverted or something? Is this how you get your jimmies up?" and so the cop says.. "Well.. no, but usually underneath a white sox hat, there's an *** hole."

Absolutely hilarious:D I was reading along and the punch line caught me off guard! I'm still laughing hysterically.

[Brutus T Manstrength]

I don't remember where I saw that.. but it still makes me giggle...

[scuba]

That is pretty hilarious, brutus. Nice one! :D

[Sheffield_&_Waveland]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed..........

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[bczar]

All Aboard

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with
his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and
her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off
now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the
tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you
are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and
hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b.itch in the
kitchen."

[cubba26]

A pirate walks into a bar, he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants, he asks the bartender for a beer, bartender says, sure, but whats with the steering wheel, pirate says arghhhh, its driving me nuts,lol............

[HOLYCOW!25]

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poddle under one arm, and a 2 foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table, and the bartender says, "I suppose you wont be needing a drink?" and the naked lady says, "OHHHHHH ****!"